Who’s in Charge?
May 22, 2024
Reduce Stress with Locus Focus
June 5, 2024
Notice where you have power.
Last week’s blog was about locus of control, introducing the idea that you have a perspective of whether your life is in your control or is subject to outside forces. Internal locus of control is where your power lies. External locus of control is where things happen to you from the outside. I want to start by helping you notice where your control lies.
Internal or external – which one are you operating out of day to day? Your viewpoint is a matter of habit, culture, and a lifetime of influences. When you notice and name your perspective you develop a more authentic point of view, one that feels true to you.
If you feel little is in your control, this will be reflected in your self-talk or the way you describe your life to others. “I am so busy, I have no time to myself. You should see my schedule!” You can also feel it in your energy levels. It is exhausting to feel that you are being shoved around by outside forces. Paying attention to what you say and how you feel, can help you figure out whether you are operating out of an internal or external locus of control.
What You Say
When you start a sentence with “I have to…” there is a much bigger story there. Looking at cultural influences there is status in being a “busy person.” How much of your schedule, and constant on the go is to meet standards that are set by someone else?
Once you take a closer look at what you feel you must do, you might find yourself changing your schedule. Some things you might choose not to do anymore. Some you might modify or find other ways to meet your actual goals. In other cases, you still do the thing but don’t feel so put upon to get it done. Here are a few examples from lives of people I know:
The Meeting
Thought: I have to go to this meeting.
Details: I agreed to go to this monthly meeting when I signed up to be on this committee. I care about the work we do. I like several people in the group. I could skip this meeting but would have to catch up with others if I want to be involved.
Choice: I am going to tonight’s meeting because it is important to me.
Chores
Thought: I have to clean my house.
Details: My house has gotten messy. The clutter is distracting. I need to have a space to set my coffee down so it won’t spill on my papers or laptop. I do worry about others judging me if my place is a mess.
Choice: I am going to sanitize the bathrooms and clear the clutter I find distracting. Those 2 things are important to me today.
Relationship
Thought: I have to take this phone call.
Details: Just seeing this person’s name on my phone starts a headache. If I don’t answer they will likely be annoyed and will start incessantly texting or calling me. I feel exhausted even while reaching for the phone. If I ignore their messages, I worry they will be explosive the next time I see them.
Choice: I will take this call today to keep things calm between us. Going forward I am going to think about other options.
Once you start to dig into your statements and lay out the details, you see where there is room for choice. It has become a habit for me to be more detailed about my sense of “have to.” I don’t have to write this blog. I am writing because the discipline of writing weekly has been part of the journey that contributes to my thriving. I am writing because I enjoy the connection between myself and you, my reader. (I particularly love hearing from you.)
How You Feel
Being conscious about your choice can result in feeling differently about time and energy spent. How does it feel in your body to do something because you “have to” vs “you choose to”? There is a heaviness in having to do something. “I have to clean this house” feels very different than “I am going to reduce the clutter in here so I feel more relaxed.” Both involve the same activity but the energy and emotion behind it are lighter. Another day “I have to clean this house” may be reevaluated to “the house is clean enough; I am going to take a walk.” Taking a walk, after deciding you don’t “have to clean” becomes much more relaxing since you are not dragging the phrase, “I should be cleaning” around with you.
Notice your self-talk or comments to others and catch the ‘should,’ ‘must,’ and ‘have to’ statements. Dissect them for the truth about your choices, emotions, and decisions. Your locus of control lies in the intersection between what you do and why you do it. Paying attention to your locus of control allows you to choose what builds your resilience and your well-being. It allows you to decide where to focus your time and energy.
We will continue to explore some ways your awareness of locus of control impacts resilience and your ability to thrive in the next few blogs. Please share any thoughts or questions you have at resilience@learnmodelteach.com and I will incorporate them into future blogs.
Peace,
Laura Gaines
