Honoring Kids’ Developmental Stages
October 2, 2024
Resilience in action is giving things a try, standing up for your own needs, and reaching out for assistance. It is also working together with others for mutual help and growth. These use skills of interdependence and empowerment. Building this in the children in your life benefits them and builds the kind of community we all want to live in. A community where people do what they can for themselves, take care of others, and work together to thrive.
Negotiations
Empowering kids teaches them to speak up for themselves for what they need. I get that many 3-year-olds have this covered! And yet even for them the goal is to teach them to use words vs shrieking. As kids get older, we want them to be able to communicate with skill, knowing they have the right to ask for stuff and to set boundaries. Learning how, when, and to whom to go to for negotiation is powerful.
A friend shared that during a family argument about chores she quietly said, “Dad, Dad – I will mow the lawn all summer, without being asked, if I don’t have to do dishes all summer.” Dad looked right at her through the chaos and said, “you have a deal.” In a family with many children, and no dishwasher, that was a superb act of negotiation. She had learned to go to the one in charge and make a deal rather than protest the unfairness of life.
Asking For and Offering Help
Interdependence combines the independence of being responsible for yourself with asking for help and lending a hand as needed. This means letting kids do as much as they can for themselves while still being there to assist. It also means asking them to help as they become able. Having kids be helpers, not just the recipients of care, builds a sense of competence and compassion. In the long run, healthy family relationships are interdependent throughout the lifespan. This is always going to be a work in progress as needs and abilities change over time. Much of what you are trying to model and teach is the spirit of interdependence.
Knowing that these skills are always going to be works in progress, here are a few ways to support empowerment and interdependence in everyday life for kids of all ages.
Step Back
Give kids space to find solutions to their own problems. This is how my son finally learned to tie his shoes. I decided to intentionally delay my help. “Get started, I will help as soon as I empty the trash.” Knowing that I was willing to help dampened down his frustration, while the delay gave him time to work on it. If I said, “try and then I will help you,” he got mad. The offer of delayed help worked. More and more I found he had it done by the time I was ready. Other times you can go to a child or teen and ask, “what do you think we should try?” Give their idea a chance, even if it doesn’t match your usual approach. The opportunity to try on their own, or to lead the effort to solve a problem, allows new skills to blossom.
Have Their Back
Protect the time or space the children in your life need to solve a problem, listen with compassionate curiosity to their dilemma, provide resources they need, and let them know that you are always proud of their efforts, no matter the outcome. When a young person needs to advocate for themselves, it is helpful to literally have their back. A friend recently shared the story of his teen daughter who came to him saying, “Dad! You have got to talk to my coach!” Instead, he talked her through her concerns then stood behind her while she talked to her coach. This can be hard when you, the adult, care passionately about the young person’s needs and are experienced at negotiating. Standing a step back feels awkward but signals to the other person that you want them to talk with the child, not to you, about the situation.
Give Them Responsibility
Giving kids chores, things they are responsible for, emphasizes their abilities. Start early having them do what they can, when they can. If they say, “I am too tired” offer a few minutes to rest and then get back to the task at hand. The more they can take care of themselves and their stuff the more able they feel about managing their own lives. Giving a child responsibilities sends the message that “we are a team, we count on you, you are able.” This is true at home, in the classroom, or in any group setting. The trick is to notice the progress, not the imperfect attempts.
These are just a few ways to encourage kids to feel empowered and to be interdependent. In all three examples an adult’s role is to be there for support, coaching, and teaching rather than doing things for the child. Infants require adults to do everything. Growing up is a process of taking more and more tasks into one’s own hands, literally. Before long even little hands can be helpful. This builds a sense of capability, empowerment, and interdependence which supports ongoing resilience.
Adults are doing all this caring and supporting alongside every other responsibility they have. In next week’s blog we are going to look at the August 2024 U.S. Surgeon General’s Advisory on the Mental Health and Well-Being of Parents. We will explore how to build a village for yourself so that you also feel resilient and empowered.
Peace,
Laura
* This is the fifth blog in a series about building resilience in kids. The first four point five are: Growing Resilience, Staying Calm, Join Team Child, Play for Resilience (the .5 blog post), and Honoring Kids’ Developmental Stages. Your comments and questions are welcome on this topic and can be sent to resilience@learnmodelteach.com
* We will have a Q&A Zoom about Growing Resilience in Kids next month, October 17, 2024 6:30pm EDT.
The zoom link for both of these will be sent out through the email list at LearnModelTeach. If you don’t already receive these you can join our community at https://learnmodelteach.com/#connect.
* Laura offers Parent Coaching if you would like support from her. You can schedule a free 15 minute discovery call.
