Self-Advocacy
January 15, 2025
Self-advocacy is the process of working with others to get your needs met. This isn’t easy and requires resources. When I worked as a therapist to children, I described self-advocacy as an assertive act which is the middle ground between being wimpy and being mean. Wimpy is when you let others step on your rights, mean is when you step on other’s rights, assertive is where you respect everyone’s rights and work to stand up for your own without stomping on others.
This blog series is an open discussion with you, my reader, about what is needed to be an effective self-advocate. Both for your own needs and for those you support. In the first blog I introduce the topic and the initial list created with a group of social workers last year. One way to develop the list of prerequisites for effective self-advocacy is to consider what it is not. Here are the first few things that come to my mind.
Begging
Begging occurs when you have no power and no claim other than the generosity of the person holding the resources. Your claim is based on an emotional appeal when you have no other recourse. This may solve immediate needs but does not build a system for long term growth or resource building as the power stays with the ones who do, or do not, give. Begging may work in dire circumstances but isn’t the same as self-advocacy.
Complaining
I want to distinguish this from venting. There is a need to share your story and feelings to others who can help you regulate your feelings and think through your options. I, for one, benefit from a good listener who can validate my emotions and ask good questions allowing me to move into action. Complaining goes on and on, to someone who has no power to effect any change, about how wrong, bad or yucky something is. Excessive complaining becomes a well-worn story whose goal is sympathy or attention rather than change.
Whining
This is the offspring of begging and complaining. It is endless pitiful squeaking in hopes that someone will do something to improve the situation without making a clear ask. The hope here is that if you are annoying enough, for long enough, your needs will be met at least in the moment. It avoids a direct confrontation but can be met with a snap of hostility. Close cousins of this are wishing, and hinting. None involves a clear request.
Commanding
This is at the opposite end of the power spectrum. It is the “because I said so” level of communication which is to say that there is little communication going on. This could be paired with threats and insistence. In the long run it is not effective self-advocacy because gains may be illusions. Some will be false promises, others given grudgingly will be pulled back as soon as the power in the relationship shifts.
Self-advocacy comes from a place of assertiveness, the space where you have respect for both your rights and the rights of others. It is not begging, complaining, whining, or commanding. You are asking for your needs to be met because everyone deserves to have their needs met. Effective self-advocacy lives in the middle ground between wimpy and mean.
Please join me in this conversation on LinkedIn, Facebook or by email. How do you define what self-advocacy is and is not? Does my definition of assertiveness ring true for you? Who else might be interested in the conversation? Please share this email or post to your friends or colleagues. I will be incorporating your feedback (sharing credit with permission) as I write on this topic. My goal is to create a resource that helps you, your family, and your community thrive.
Peace,
Laura
