An attachment style is an overall description of how secure, or comfortable, a person feels in emotionally close relationships (think: someone you have an inside joke with). Close relationships are a foundation for resilience in this world. Taking time to explore your own attachment style, and the style of those in your inner circle, allows you to understand and strengthen your relationships. None of us are perfect, that is not the goal. The goal is to increase awareness so that communication and compassion grow between you and your loved ones. 

There are 4 basic attachment styles: secure, avoidant, anxious and “disorganized.” These 4 categories are not evenly divided in the population. Estimates in the adult US population are that over half of us are in the secure range. About 25% are avoidant, 20% anxious and 5% disorganized.*

Here is a brief description of the 4 Attachment Styles. These begin in childhood and can change over time, usually in response to significant relationships. 

Having a secure style means you are comfortable having close, trusting relationships. A child with secure attachment, for example, can leave a parent to explore the world and come back for safety and rest. An adult, can tolerate distance and closeness without worrying that the relationship is on shaky ground or feeling suffocated. A strength is emotional flexibility. 

People who have an avoidant style feel smothered or overwhelmed by too much emotional closeness. They worry about losing themselves in a relationship. A child who is avoidant will retreat to soothe themselves even when overwhelmed. They maintain emotional distance through a variety of behaviors. Distancing strategies include not sharing emotions, being very busy or simply staying clear of others. A strength of this style is independence.  

People with an anxious style want closeness and worry that they will never achieve it, or if they are in a relationship, that it won’t last. A child who is anxious clings to a parent and becomes very upset when separated even for day-to-day activities. They put a lot of energy into maintaining emotional contact through seeking reassurance, staying in constant contact, or by getting angry at perceived disconnections. A strength of this style is empathy and the ability to read others. 

The final 5% tend to be very high in both avoidant and anxious behaviors which makes close relationships difficult. These people often would love to have close relationships but have been badly hurt in the past so find it extremely difficult to trust. They are likely to alternate between both anxious and avoidant behaviors to increase their sense of safety. 

Few people are purely one style or another. For example, I am predominantly secure with a side dish of anxiety. If I am pushed hard enough, I can be avoidant. Being aware of your own style allows you to notice when you are reacting based on your style rather than using insight and communication. Noticing other’s styles allows you to see where patterns of behavior are triggering back and forth between you, playing out a pattern that you can choose to continue, or interrupt.  

Next week we will talk about the roots of attachment styles and why we have one in the first place. Following that I will address questions people have. Feel free to send questions to resilience@learnmodelteach.com add to the discussion. By learning about your own style, you can strengthen your inner sense of self and your relationships with others.  

Peace,

Laura A. Gaines

To learn more, explore learnmodelteach.com for tools, videos, and coaching opportunities.