Family Resilience: Communication
September 20, 2023
Family Resilience: Children
October 4, 2023
Family Resilience: Flexibility is the third blog in this series. To get caught up, check out Family Resilience, and Family Resilience: Communication.
Flexibility
Flexibility is a hallmark of resilience. How flexible is your family tree? Just as with actual trees being able to stay strong requires an ability to bend. The first time I watched a weeping willow tree in a storm I thought it was done for. It seemed to be blown right over. The next day the tree stood tall in the sun. Where it had lost a few leaves other trees had huge branches snapped clean off.
All trees sway – the right amount of flexibility is often determined by its environment. Coastline trees need to be more rigid to stand up in the constant winds. There is no exact amount of flexibility that is right for all families; what is true, though, is that all families need to be flexible. Thinking about when to flex and when to stand firm allows you to have healthier relationships in your families.
(Note: see the first blog in this series for my definition of family. My assumption is that you belong to multiple families some or all of which may overlap and interact.)
What are some ways for a family to maintain its identity and still be flexible? There are core values that are needed for any family to stick together. Kindness, compassion, mutual respect, love. Each family then layers on characteristics or goals that make it unique. In order to travel through time together, we need glue that holds us together and the ability to tolerate differences and imperfections. Flexibility can be seen in many different aspects of family identity:
Traditions
Traditions are a big part of being in a relationship over time. “Million dollar charm” is how my cousin Heidi and I greet each other. It started decades ago when we were cleaning house and listening to the soundtrack “Hair.” It is a tiny tradition that reminds us of our bond. Other traditions are much more elaborate and long reaching. How children are named, holiday recipes, who makes decisions, and what careers people pursue. Being flexible about these long standing practices can be as simple as adding vegan options to the Thanksgiving meal and as complicated as inheritance decisions in a blended family. “This is how we roll” works best when it is open to negotiation and change.
Acceptance
A friend in my church family said that being in close community is like living with a bunch of hedgehogs. At times you jostle too close and poke one another. It is super annoying. But staying away ends up with a lot of lonely hedgehogs. Part of being family is tolerating a certain amount of poking. Some people are more chatty than you would like, others too quiet; some can be snippy when stressed, others get weepy. Family is where you are seen at your most relaxed and most tired. Family are people who know your faults, and love you anyway. Accepting people as they are, and knowing how far they have come, is one joy of being in long term family relationships.
Time
Family relationships are built over time, which involves ebb and flow. In the early years children, parents, and siblings spend so much time together, some days seem to last forever. In time this changes drastically. Busy lives and moves can result in years going by before you are together in person. And yet strong relationships require common experiences. Even if everyone can’t be there, plan get-togethers. With a creative and flexible mindset you can plan time online, by phone, or even by snail mail. Family times like these build resilience into the system. The health of the whole will benefit each individual.
Differences
Celebrate differences, tolerate differences, or look away – if it is really none of your business. Mayo vs Miracle Whip is a clear dividing line in my family. It gets trickier in our current political climate where the media demonizes those who vote one way or another. Being family doesn’t mean being clones of one another. Real change happens when we can hear each other out about differences. Finding middle ground between introverts and extroverts, sports fans and crocheters, athletes and bookworms, fashionistas and those who live in sweatpants is key to family harmony. Even better is when you can share your differences and build a commonality that enriches everyone.
This is not to say that all behavior is ok. Tolerating abuse, constant conflict, or disdain is not flexibility. Part of being a resilient family is that there is physical and emotional safety for all. Safety doesn’t mean that everyone walks on eggshells. It means being willing to not agree on everything. Honor where the other person is coming from, even if you don’t fully understand.
Be kind. Let things go. Be clear, but not rigid, about boundaries. Clarify when it is okay to forgo the usual rules because of a crisis. Have patience with new in-laws, teens, and changes in circumstances. Sibling relationships in particular are where people test the limits of human relationships. A great deal of flexibility is needed to keep these bonds intact over the years.
You are just one person in each of your family systems. However, your flexibility will impact both your own and your family’s resilience. Consider your own thoughts about traditions, acceptance, time and differences. Make sure to also pay attention to what is going well. Starting a conversation about flexibility – either the larger concept, or a particular area where you think change is needed – allows your family to change and grow. Oak trees can’t change into willows but human families can change and grow in amazing ways.
Peace,
Laura A. Gaines
To learn more, explore learnmodelteach.com for tools, videos, and coaching opportunities.
