Deep Root Resilience
November 13, 2024
Holiday Survival Tip: Expect
November 27, 2024
This article is part of a series originally published in 2021. Revisions have been made by the author.
The holidays are here. You can trust people to be themselves.
Part of being resilient is dealing with what is. Unmet expectations, hopes dashed, old traumas torn open – all are risks during the holiday season. One way to take care of yourself is to be realistic about the people you will (or will not) be seeing. There is no perfect holiday season; perfection is an artificial state that only exists in commercials. Besides the late arrivals, cooking failures, and other holiday mishaps, there are the relationships with your family.*
* I use “family” to include the sorts of people you may get together with over the holidays – relatives, in-laws, longtime friends, your ex-, and your cousin’s neighbor who is at every gathering.
As the holidays approach, I start to hear, “do you think my brother will reach out to me this year?” “How do I get my aunt to understand that what she says is hurtful?” “I wish someone would tell my cousin to stop talking politics.” Many of us wish that others in our lives would act in ways that are kinder, nicer, healthier. This is the truth:
- Everyone is going to keep being themselves.
- You may find yourself triggered.
- The only person you have any control over is yourself.
I am not suggesting you give up, build emotional walls, and stay away from all gatherings. Humans need connection. It is grounding to connect with the same set of people over time. Each annual gathering is a slice of life. That baby is talking, and the teen is so tall! Wow. Auntie needs more help these days. Seeing the same or similar people provides checkpoints along your journey.
Sharing food, space, laughter, tears, and stories enriches our understanding of ourselves and humanity. At the same time, some interactions are more hurtful than helpful. This is when it is resilient to trust people to be themselves and to consider your options in advance.
Everyone is going to keep being themselves.
If your family member struggles with sobriety, making them promise to stay sober just this one day isn’t likely to work. If your cousin has been posting inflammatory comments online for the past 11 months, don’t be shocked by his actual comments. If you have never been close to your sibling, it isn’t going to change without efforts on both sides of the relationship. While all this can be hurtful and discouraging, you can protect your heart by not being shocked. Trust your family members to be themselves and imagine that they are doing the best they can.
You may find yourself triggered.
You can expect people to be themselves, including yourself. You have triggers. And although you have decided to be positive, and avoid “shoulding” other people, you are tired. At some point you may even find yourself on…your…very…last…nerve. Triggers can be anything that takes you back to a time when you felt endangered. It can be a smell, loud voices, someone else’s behavior, and for some people the whole holiday scene is too much.
Breathe, use all your coping skills, and acknowledge that being triggered isn’t a choice. You didn’t decide to be overwhelmed; you can choose a response. If you know that certain interactions are triggering, plan ahead to avoid them or to have a backup in place for support. Give yourself grace for being human.
The only person you have control over is yourself.
You are your first responsibility. Other than very tiny children for whom “give me a minute” means nothing, you have the right and responsibility to take care of yourself first. Think about what you need during this season to care for yourself. Don’t take responsibility for the relationships between other adults, that is their relationship to manage.
Before you open your door to guests, or pack up the car, consider what you need to have for yourself. Build in time to eat, rest or walk. Write out your boundaries and repeat them until they come easily “I’m pretty sure we see that really differently, today I want to focus on _____” Plan diversions – a walk, a call to a friend, a poem kept in your pocket to read when you need a mental break. Schedule events that are meaningful to you and skip the ones that are not. Consider just having a regular day. Thanksgiving is also a Thursday. You can do Thursday.
This holiday season, trust people to be themselves, including yourself. Many people will try to be on their best behavior and will still manage to be themselves. You may find yourself triggered by them or some other aspect of this year. You are also human. Take care of yourself as that is your first responsibility. Make plans you look forward to and be gentle with yourself. Life can be glorious and painful.
Holidays hold up a mirror to life as we know it. No one is getting any younger, stuff happens, perfection is not possible. This year’s holiday is a chance to experiment. Every year you get another chance to try a different approach. I wish you a holiday season in which you find wonder in ways that work for you.
Peace,
Laura
Holiday Stress Release Session: I am offering a special kind of coaching session this season – for the same cost as a one-hour coaching session I will do a 90-minute listening session. A confidential, no judgement time allowing you to fully express yourself and come up with next steps. Sessions are by phone or zoom, the the cost is $100 payable in advance by paypal, venmo or cashapp. To schedule, click the button below.
