Liminality – those times and places when you are moving from what is to what will be. It comes in all sizes and intensities. The everyday move from sleep to wake, is a liminal time. Neither fully asleep nor fully awake you move through sleep inertia. For some this is a short, barely noticeable phase, for others there is a whole “don’t mind me I’m a zombie” start to many days. When sick or super stressed, you can get stuck in this not quite awake phase for much longer than usual. Unexpected, or long times spent in a liminal state are uncomfortable. The first step in managing a liminal state is to be aware that you are in one. 

Liminal changes may include a change in identity. From kindergartener to big kid, from single to married – these are developmental changes that are intentional and have cultural guidelines to follow. Others are unplanned and unwanted – from able bodied to disabled, employed to unemployed. Others are more gradual and subtle. Family relationships morph over time and your role in the family changes. Being able to notice and name the change increases your mental and emotional flexibility or adaptability. It opens up opportunities to feel your emotions, adjust your identity, and integrate the change into your life.  

This week is Mother’s Day. A year ago, Mom was living in her own condo in Florida. My siblings and I had had concerns for months. When we asked what her plans were and if she needed more support, she said that there was no plan and she would always live on her own. We were in a liminal state as a family.  

The uncertainty impacted all of us. As the oldest sister and with an identity firmly centered around being the caregiver I visited often, touched base with the extended family, and helped as much as I was allowed.  The phrase, “for now” was a regular part of our conversations. Mid-June Mom ended up in the hospital and we moved into “what now?” Living with the not-knowing and the strong emotions of liminality took months to address. As a family we made many decisions, completed many task lists, and shared our thoughts and emotions.  

This Mother’s Day, Mom lives in the Midwest near my sister in independent living. When asked how things are going she says, “this is the way to live! I don’t have to worry about anything.” We have experienced significant changes in our identities which has impacted our family relationships. Acknowledging the changes has made it easier to adjust and to work together to care for and support one another.   

Whether planned or not, anticipated or dreaded, there are common elements to liminal changes. There is an early or pre-liminal stage where it becomes clear that change is coming. Occasionally events happen out of the blue, but more often there is a lead up to an event. My mother’s hospital stay was not the beginning of our liminal state; earlier concerns were the start of our liminality. During the mid-liminal stage there is uncertainty and lack of clarity. Even a planned change can be more unsettling than you thought it would be. One reason for this is that there are both beginnings and endings as life changes. Whether long or short, all liminal times end. You take on a new identity, a new way of being. Because your brain likes patterns and routines, you will come to see the change as the new normal. Knowing that life won’t always feel so out of sync can be helpful when you are in the middle of it.  

At some level, liminality is part of every day and every life, and learning about it gives you a chance to consider how to manage these stages. How will you know when you are in a liminal state and what resilience skills can you use to best support yourself? Spring is a season that has some predictable shifts built in. We will explore those in the next few blogs.