How often you need to check in with yourself depends on your basic nature, including which “station” you are tuned into most of the time. Many caregivers and parents will say that they are always tuned into others. Their thought patterns are focused on what someone else will need next. Others find it easier to listen to their own needs. If you are prone to focus on others, you may need reminders to check in on yourself until it becomes a habit. Some options are to set aside time to hear yourself daily via journaling, walking, or other reflective time. If you tend to be inwardly oriented, you may need to establish routine times or ways to listen deeply to others to hear their needs.  How and when to check in will depend on the nature of your relationship. For closer connections it is important to establish the habit of getting past a quick, “You ok?” and find ways to deeply hear one another as often as needed.  

When major life transitions occur, it is important to center on your own needs and abilities before making long term commitments. This can be hard. I know several people who are helping their parents who can no longer live alone. With an urgent focus on their parent’s needs the goal becomes “we will just make it work” without any consideration to their own needs and abilities.  Being realistic about what you can and can’t do along with what you are willing to do prevents disaster. This can take time to discern. Going forward in a way that won’t work does no one any favors. Only you know the big picture from your perspective. Centering on yourself does not mean doing it alone. Finding someone who is good at listening and asking questions can be very helpful as you identify your own needs.  

As a transition unfolds reach out to your healthy connections for support and help. Keeping your own reflections in mind, consider who else will be impacted and what their perspective and questions might be. Communicate what you know and hear them out listening for assumptions or lack of clarity. The phrase “Don’t worry about it.” is as bad as, “It’ll work out somehow.” You can’t foresee the future, but together you can make some reasonable predictions and choose accordingly.  This is a process depending on the number of people involved and the importance of the decision. It is helpful to clarify who the decision maker is in any given situation. While you may solicit thoughts and opinions from a variety of people, clarity about who is making the decision can reduce confusion.  

Hearing your own and others’ truths takes hard work, particularly when you don’t see things in the same way or have very different needs or wants. There are times when you find that paths are diverging. Perhaps a compromise is possible, or some more time will allow the forward path to be more clear. There are times though when you need to move along your journey. During times of significant change, you may find you need more time to reflect and to process your emotions. This is often a good time to seek help and support from people who are professional listeners and are not part of the changes (therapist, coach, clergy). Stay tuned in to “me” and reach out to healthy “we” as you move toward the next step in your journey.