Focus on “Me”
August 7, 2024
“Me” and “We”: Balance While Navigating Life Changes
August 21, 2024
Without “we” there is no “me”. You were born into a family, raised in a community, and live surrounded by language and culture. So much of who you are is connected to your relationships and interactions with others. Last week, I talked about your responsibility to take care of “me.” This week, we will delve into “we.”
One of the most powerful ways to care for yourself is to have healthy connections with others. A group of people, connected by a common cause (whether it is kayaking a river or creating social change) can do so much more than one person alone. I still like the Girl Scout song, “Make new friends and keep the old; one is silver and the other gold.” You can increase your resilience by reflecting on your relationships and making positive changes. Based on your needs, you can strengthen or weaken ties with others and explore ways to engage with others to thrive. Thriving is both finding joy and having meaning in your life, which is often most powerfully done with others.
Making changes in your social scene is disruptive. You have adapted to who you are in the overlapping circles of your connections. Change, even a positive one, creates a glitch in your habits, mental processing, and expectations. When people are getting used to one another, there can be a lot of “stepping on toes” before a new pattern is established. If you are in a transition, social change is part of what is so exhausting about the process. It helps to give yourself, and others, grace for the amount of energy it takes to adjust to a new pattern.
Humans are hard wired to see others as “outsiders” until we decide they are safe to be part of our inner circle. This requires patience with yourself, and others, as we all have different reactions to changes in relationships. One factor here is a person’s attachment style. Knowing your own openness to new people is helpful while recognizing that others have their own styles.
Your resilience is greatly impacted by your circle of relationships. Having other people in your corner provides support when you need it. Being part of a community allows you to provide support without being the sole helper. For many people, their connections are central to their joy and meaning in this journey. By taking time to reflect on your community you can consider ways to strengthen your resilience.
Enjoy the patterns that are working; strengthen them where you can.
Notice what is working for you and find ways to strengthen those healthy connections. In my own life there are weekly lunches, family zooms, and planned holidays that map out many of my relationships. Plan ways to connect with those who support your journey. Invite people to new activities that will work for both of you. It can be asking a supportive co-worker to walk at lunch or planning co-working sessions on zoom. Friendships take time to grow and need ongoing time together. Consider what is working for you, and your community, and how to keep it going.
End, or let go, of patterns that are not working for you or your community.
Some connections are not healthy; there is ongoing strife or impossible demands. After reflection, you may decide the best course is more distance. At the gentlest level you may decide to connect less often; in other cases, a clear boundary or discussion needs to happen. For relationships that are particularly corrosive you may need to end the contact. Even if you are the one initiating the change, adapting is still a process. Other times routines are disrupted by a move or other transition. Mourn the loss of what you miss and reflect on what needs it filled for you so that you can be open to new opportunities. Change almost always means less of something so that there is room for the new.
Build and celebrate healthy connections.
The support and connection you receive from others is crucial for your well-being. The support and connection you give to others can bring a powerful sense of joy and meaning to your life. Shared purpose allows you to contribute in ways that one person can’t achieve. Having a supportive community increases collective safety and joy. Overlapping circles of relationships means people can get support from multiple directions so that no one person is dependent on just one other person. This creates a level of community resilience that can support a lot of growth.
Take care of yourself by reflecting on your connections so that you can enjoy a supportive community. Your relationships and interactions with others are some of the biggest influences on your “me.” Working toward a healthy “we” supports the well-being of you and your community. You can strengthen or weaken ties with others and explore ways to engage with others to thrive. Building and celebrating healthy connections is a powerful way to create more capacity for resilience in this world.
Peace,
Laura
