I once told a group of professional speakers that their anxiety is telling them to “shut up” which isn’t quite true. My presentation was about how to talk back to your anxiety when it interferes with your goals.  The reality is that anxiety doesn’t say, “shut up” it is much sneakier than that.  

Let me take a moment to introduce you to the anxiety monster:

Anxiety Monster

The anxiety monster is a personification of the everyday emotion of anxiety. It is your prickly friend whose job it is to help you stay safe. The anxiety monster is great when it is just the right size and is focused on actual danger. It becomes problematic when it gets too big or miscalculates your risk.  

If you tell a child or an adult not to do something, you often reinforce their desire to do just that. Instead of saying shut up, the anxiety monster uses diversion, distraction, and discouragement to get you off track. I know these tactics well; I use them on small children all the time. They are very effective tools to keep kids safe and happy. Your anxiety is honestly trying to do the same, but you are not a child, and anxiety isn’t meant to be in charge.  

Here are the tactics I use to keep little children safe: If a stubborn toddler wants to play near a street, the worst thing you can do is so deny them, to tell them NO. From that point on, it becomes their life mission. Instead, I divert, distract, and discourage until they are focused on a safe activity.  

• Divert – I see you want to ride your bike in the street just like the big kids. You have a cool bike! Let’s take your tricycle to the patio and learn how to pedal.  
• Distract – I see the sprinkler in the garage – let’s set it up in the backyard! How exciting.  
• Discourage – The street is hot and stinky, ewww. Let’s go cool off in the backyard and have some fun! 

I mix up and repeat these tactics until I have a happy toddler playing in the backyard out of sight of the big kids riding bikes around the neighborhood.  

I have seen adults’ anxiety monsters do the same thing to them. Not running into streets is a good thing. But not riding your bike when you are fully capable is life limiting. The thing is, you don’t realize it is your anxiety monster talking; you simply think you are being practical or cautious. Here is an example:  

You decide you want to do some public speaking. You have expertise in an area and have given a few talks that went well. Colleagues suggest that you present at a few conferences or a local TedX event. You are excited to give it a try.  

• Divert – This is exciting, I would love to do more talks. I will do a lot of research about public speaking and talk it over with others!  I will research professional speakers.  
• Distract – Professional speakers have great websites. I will learn website development; this is interesting. My friend needs to improve their website; I will help them. 
• Discourage – I hear that some audiences are critical; I don’t want to put up with negative people. It is hard to get paid what you are worth as a new speaker, real experts get paid big bucks. I am not going to put myself out there for free only to be criticized.  

Everyday anxiety will mix up and repeat these tactics, keeping you safely focused on researching options and considering possibilities rather than standing on a stage with a microphone clipped to your shirt. 

Over time, you realize that you never did get around to giving that talk. It was an idea you had but you have been busy. Maybe it wasn’t a talk you wanted to do. Perhaps it was a big hike, or a book you were going to write, or venturing in a new direction.  Anything that is out of your comfort zone. Anxiety doesn’t shut you down with a loud NO; you would probably notice that and push back. Instead, it diverts, distracts, and discourages in an ongoing cycle to keep you “safe.” By noticing this pattern, you can find ways to step past your anxiety and pursue your own exciting goals. Stay tuned for next week to learn how to become a victorious toddler.  

Peace,

Laura