Family Resilience: Planning Ahead

Family Resilience: Planning Ahead is the fifth blog in this series. To get caught up, check out Family Resilience, Family Resilience: Communication, Family Resilience: Flexibility, and Family Resilience: Children.

Prepare for Predictable Challenges

Maintain family resilience by anticipating trouble. I am not advocating living in fear or spending all your time preparing for what might happen. I am recommending using your anxiety and creativity to set yourself up to manage future problems. Working together, a family can identify possible challenges, talk about ways to meet the challenge, learn about solutions, and make some plans. Rarely does disaster strike completely out of the blue. More often disaster is preceded by growing troubles that reach a peak. For all of us old age is a predictable challenge. At times trouble unexpectedly disrupts life. Strong connections and open communication can help you cope with whatever comes.

Identify Possible Challenges

Some challenges are easy to see coming down the road. Everyone gets older and at some point, memory or health issues become a problem. Other kinds of challenges have a history to them as well. Financial troubles, difficulties at school or work, and more. How do you know when to make plans? Your anxiety will tell you. Rather than shut it down, listen to that prickly voice. You find yourself saying, “if this doesn’t get any better, we are going to have a serious problem.” Often the response is, “I hope not,” and you think about something less worrisome. Instead, stop and worry for a bit. Use your curiosity to consider what that would actually look like. “If this gets worse…..” Anxiety is meant to help you plan ahead for your own survival and resilience.

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Have Family Conversations

Don’t worry alone! Have a family conversation about the trouble you see. These begin as short conversations that bring others in on the worry. “Mom’s memory is getting worse; I’m worried about her.” More focused conversations start problem solving. “When are you free to talk about my last visit with Mom?” At some level involve the children of the family in the conversation. The goal here is to invite their input and to answer their questions, not to bombard them with information. Of course, involve Mom in the conversation too, “Mom we want to know how we can help you.” People react with all levels of openness to talking about possible trouble. From denial, “It won’t get that bad,” to full acceptance and problem solving. Don’t forget to acknowledge feelings. Recognizing everyone’s emotional reactions is important. Anticipatory grief is when you start to mourn a loss you are sure will happen. As with all mourning, it takes time and energy from your day to day life.

Research and Share Knowledge

Life is complicated and you don’t know everything, which is one reason a family is so much more powerful than an individual. You are never going to be the first to deal with any kind of trouble, someone else knows more than you do about this situation. An older cousin or a member of your chosen family may have very recently dealt with whatever problem you are facing. Ask for a phone call or meeting to download some of their wisdom. Split up the research in your immediate family and come together to share what you know. In an emergency this can happen over hours or days. In a long-term situation this can go back and forth over months. Create a way to take notes or share documents so that you can access the information learned. Continuously ask experts and others, “what if that happens? What are the next steps?” Along the way you will find your research and sharing of knowledge will benefit others as well.

Maintain Flexible Plans

As you have conversations and gain knowledge formulate some agreements. “If this happens then we will do that.” When my kids were young, I had a close friend whose youngest child had a rare medical diagnosis. Their emergency plan was if Jack needed to go to the hospital I, or another friend, would watch their other child. We had access to their house for clothes/supplies and knew each other’s numbers and typical schedules. The children in all three households were friends and knew the plan. The school had us listed as emergency contacts. In addition, they had specific contact numbers for experts who understood their child’s diagnosis and had communicated with their employers about their son’s needs. When a medical emergency occurred, they were able to focus on their son’s care because other responsibilities had been covered.

“If…then” thinking allows for adaptability. Some plans involve putting back resources or keeping supplies on hand. Others involve drawing up legal documents such as Wills and Trusts so that people’s wishes can be followed. At times it helps to set up a deadline for yourself, “if this doesn’t improve by this date then I will take this next step.” It is valuable to have plans and to be open to changing them as new information or circumstances come up.

Pro-Tips

If someone you are responsible for is getting a passport to travel, get a passport. If something happens and you need to join them you do not want to pay the exorbitant costs for an emergency passport.
Look up book titles about legal issues such as Wills and Trusts, Divorce and Bankruptcy on nolo.com. Then check out the book at your local library.
If your older parents live a distance from you get to know their neighbors and friends. Share your contact information with them so they can reach out to you if needed. Put aside funds for travel.

Listening to anxiety and making appropriate plans helps quiet your anxious voice. You will go from panicked “What if?!” to “That would be bad but at least we have a plan.” Having conversations as a family to share questions, emotions, knowledge, and plans means no one is facing it by themselves. Facing trouble together can be stressful. It can also build bridges and create connections. The process of planning for predictable challenges builds family resilience in tangible ways.

Peace,

Laura A. Gaines

To learn more, explore learnmodelteach.com for tools, videos, and coaching opportunities.

Family Resilience: Planning Ahead

Family Resilience: Children

Family Resilience Wrap Up

Family Resilience: Children

Family Resilience Wrap Up

Prepare for Predictable Challenges

Identify Possible Challenges

Have Family Conversations

Research and Share Knowledge

Maintain Flexible Plans

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