Ch Ch Ch Changes
April 17, 2026
Lower Case Liminal Cycle
May 20, 2026
This past February I had a “not heart attack.” It feels as confusing as it sounds. It was a bump in the road for me. I have all the resources needed to deal with the medical and practical concerns. From an outside perspective, my life has gone back to normal. Yet, this bump left behind a lot of noise: strong feelings and on-going thoughts about my health and life. I am taking steps to deal with my thoughts and feelings. The steps initiated a cascade of change. My “new normal” isn’t clear. My goal is to be aware that I am going through lower case liminal change so that I can be intentional about the choices I make.
The Bump
Heart attack-like symptoms led to a three-day hospitalization with medical testing. In the end the only treatment was rest. After weeks of follow up care, my cardiologist said it was not a heart attack and that I can, if interested, follow up with a specialist regarding the electrical system of my heart. It turns out I have a wonky electrical system attached to the most important muscle in my body. The mild symptoms I had on and off for the past few years were warning signs. The event was likely caused by a combination of meds, dehydration, and my determination to keep on going no matter what. In the hospital I had time to contemplate my mortality and the idea that I am not as sturdy as I thought. From the doctor’s perspective, there was a clear diagnosis, and I was free to resume my normal life.
Noise - Feelings
Although the doctors assured me that I was fine, I didn’t feel fine. The emotional cascade was intense – fear, sadness, and anger. Fear of being helpless and vulnerable. A hypervigilance of any sign of problems. Sadness at the reminder that I am mortal. So much anger: at myself for downplaying the precursor symptoms of lightheadedness and fatigue. Anger at the internal standards I carry that tell me I should do more, be more, produce more. Anger that as a woman and “good girl” I was taught to put others needs ahead of my own and to continuously monitor how everyone else was feeling. My intense emotions could not be ignored, they have reminded me to tune in to my own feelings and needs to better care for myself.
Noise - Thoughts
Along with the emotions I have had a recurrent stream of thoughts: I am mortal, I am not “exaggerating”, and I need to be on Team Laura more often. I am vulnerable and not young; these kinds of thoughts have caused me to pay more attention to my needs. I can’t simply push through a day or week with no regard for the care my body needs. The electrical system attached to my heart responds poorly to dehydration, stress, sudden intense physical activity, too much caffeine, and any medication with a stimulant effect. I now know that feeling lightheaded, experiencing sudden exhaustion, or heart flutters are important messages. I am not exaggerating my needs when I stop and rest. Only I know how I actually feel. No one else can tell. I am capable of pushing through, putting on a brave front and smiling through fear, exhaustion, and heart palpitations. None of that is a good idea. I need to do a better job of being on “Team Laura” taking care of myself and letting other people know how they can help.
Taking Steps
My feelings and thoughts have coalesced into a mulish determination to do what I need to do to care for my unique heart and self. Some steps are clear; others are explorations. A clear step was to say no to stimulant meds. I was taking stimulant meds in a last-ditch effort to get on top of my ADHD so I could meet someone’s standards of productivity before I retire. It is not worth the risk to my heart; I will go back to my disorganized ways. I have begun to tune into what I want rather than testing the air for what will make others happy. Having been a “good girl” all my life, I find it hard to decide what will make Laura happy outside of others’ opinions. More exercise, more water, less stress, and deliberate rest have all become priorities in my routine. I am listening to myself more when I am pushing through or faking it and experimenting with other ways of reacting.
My bump has been managed, and life continues with a new normal. On the outside little has changed. Other than the three days I was in the hospital, my calendar remains untouched. I am meeting my obligations and continuing on with plans. The “noise” left behind in my head can’t be ignored, I have been taking steps to address my feelings and thoughts. I am journaling, talking with others, and reflecting on what went wrong. I said no to one medication and cut back on coffee. Boundaries are clearer to me and saying no feels easier. This lower-case liminal change will create ripples going forward as I continue to respond to the bump in my life. Overt changes will only be obvious to a few. Bumps are like that, no big disruption and yet, it will impact my life in ways that are not yet obvious, even to me.
Peace,
Laura
